"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde

Different from my norm this I know but this quote just spoke to me today and I was lacking in inspiration the last few days for something new to write about. This quote can resonate so differently, I'm sure, with many people but to me it hits a specific cord in my heart strings. I am not one to hold onto regrets but there are a few that, some days, just haunt me. How many times have you gotten something that you've been searching for and found it to not be quite what you expected or maybe you just didn't realize just how special it was because it was finally yours?

I am going to get a little personal with you all today, again out of the norm I know, so just hold onto your seats and bear with me! I had a great love. Many of us have. Well, my great love was unique and special and wonderful and I miss it terribly sometimes. I was fortunate to be of a select group to fall in love with someone long distance and actually make it work successfully for quite a span of time and the lessons I learned through this relationship I cherish and will never, ever, forget. We grew together and gained such a deeper understanding of one another that the attraction evolved into something inexplicable and very difficult to grasp at the time, for me at least, for I can only speak of my own feelings. We just started talking one day and I found myself escaping into the conversation and getting lost for hours. I'd find myself grinning ear to ear for such long periods of time that my cheeks would begin to quiver and ache so I'd force myself to stop shaking my head at myself for being so silly and he'd say something else funny or sweet and I'd forget and break into a smile all over again. I'd get goosebumps every time my phone would buzz with a text or call and that smile would jump out involuntarily. I've never before or since been blessed to connect so much with another person and to get to be my whole imperfect self and be not only accepted but loved for who that person was. The moments we had together were so sweet and perfect sometimes that I just could not believe it. Example: The first time I went up to visit his college home he walked me into a room full of his friends and simply said "This is her." I just felt so special, so wanted, and so happy in that moment. All of my fears and reservations disappeared and I was content, truly content, in my escape into his life. But those times were just that... an escape from a much deeper problem... more on that later.

Now as you all know this story does not have a typical happy ending. I was going through hard life changes at the time and unfortunately things did not work out in the ways I had hoped. The faults are many and they are shared between us two equally for we both took our love for granted, took our understanding of each other for granted, and hurt each other beyond what our pride could handle. Hindsight being 20/20 I see so many flaws in the way I acted, reacted, and handled certain situations and I learn from those yes, but regret them I do as well because to look back and actually remember all of the good times and how happy we were together in the simplest moments is so painful now it will bring tears to my eyes at unexpected moments. Move on, I have, and continue to every day just goes to show that love someone once love them always right?

Well back to referring to the above quote so I don't continue to ramble on, I think one of my most frustrating faults, referencing back to those times, was my inability to see the happy in the happy times. Most of you know of depression and think you know what it is like and what it entails but until you have experienced it yourself you truly have no idea. Depression is way more common than most of us realize and usually far too often not treated or dealt with. My love and I met in the midst of my depression unknowingly and once I was diagnosed after some pretty real conversations and situations we went through most of the hardest times together. The thing they say when you are in a depression is that you don't remember what "happy" is and that is the best way to describe it that I can figure. Your mind forgets the chemical composition of happy and what that feels like and next thing you know you cant even hardly remember happy memories. So then my question is when you focus only on unhappy moments and bad memories how do you even begin to know how to appreciate the good things in your life and how do you even explain any of this to someone you are hurting who is hurting you in return because neither of you know how to deal with the situation you are currently in. Confusing isn't it?

Now I know this post is getting long but there is so much in my heart on this topic so let me write one more paragraph to try to tie this all up. Had I known what I know now I would have tried harder to be happy, would have tried harder to hold onto what I'd found, but in those moments when all I could see were the bad memories. I thought if I sought out the greener grass I'd find someone else to make me happy when I know now that being happy is something I alone have control over. The journey to find love and acceptance is one that, yes, is very hard and sometimes disheartening and painful but the lessons learned are irreplaceable. Having what you've been searching for, right there in your hand, and seeing all of your plans and dreams fall to pieces, not knowing where to begin to put them back together is harder by far. God does not give us anything we cannot handle it is all in His plan for us. One thing I know and am eternally grateful for is having glimpsed what true love is and can be and can therefore remain hopeful and elated at the thought that something even better may be coming my way! Had to end on a positive note :D

God bless you for reading through that,

Amber