"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde

Different from my norm this I know but this quote just spoke to me today and I was lacking in inspiration the last few days for something new to write about. This quote can resonate so differently, I'm sure, with many people but to me it hits a specific cord in my heart strings. I am not one to hold onto regrets but there are a few that, some days, just haunt me. How many times have you gotten something that you've been searching for and found it to not be quite what you expected or maybe you just didn't realize just how special it was because it was finally yours?

I am going to get a little personal with you all today, again out of the norm I know, so just hold onto your seats and bear with me! I had a great love. Many of us have. Well, my great love was unique and special and wonderful and I miss it terribly sometimes. I was fortunate to be of a select group to fall in love with someone long distance and actually make it work successfully for quite a span of time and the lessons I learned through this relationship I cherish and will never, ever, forget. We grew together and gained such a deeper understanding of one another that the attraction evolved into something inexplicable and very difficult to grasp at the time, for me at least, for I can only speak of my own feelings. We just started talking one day and I found myself escaping into the conversation and getting lost for hours. I'd find myself grinning ear to ear for such long periods of time that my cheeks would begin to quiver and ache so I'd force myself to stop shaking my head at myself for being so silly and he'd say something else funny or sweet and I'd forget and break into a smile all over again. I'd get goosebumps every time my phone would buzz with a text or call and that smile would jump out involuntarily. I've never before or since been blessed to connect so much with another person and to get to be my whole imperfect self and be not only accepted but loved for who that person was. The moments we had together were so sweet and perfect sometimes that I just could not believe it. Example: The first time I went up to visit his college home he walked me into a room full of his friends and simply said "This is her." I just felt so special, so wanted, and so happy in that moment. All of my fears and reservations disappeared and I was content, truly content, in my escape into his life. But those times were just that... an escape from a much deeper problem... more on that later.

Now as you all know this story does not have a typical happy ending. I was going through hard life changes at the time and unfortunately things did not work out in the ways I had hoped. The faults are many and they are shared between us two equally for we both took our love for granted, took our understanding of each other for granted, and hurt each other beyond what our pride could handle. Hindsight being 20/20 I see so many flaws in the way I acted, reacted, and handled certain situations and I learn from those yes, but regret them I do as well because to look back and actually remember all of the good times and how happy we were together in the simplest moments is so painful now it will bring tears to my eyes at unexpected moments. Move on, I have, and continue to every day just goes to show that love someone once love them always right?

Well back to referring to the above quote so I don't continue to ramble on, I think one of my most frustrating faults, referencing back to those times, was my inability to see the happy in the happy times. Most of you know of depression and think you know what it is like and what it entails but until you have experienced it yourself you truly have no idea. Depression is way more common than most of us realize and usually far too often not treated or dealt with. My love and I met in the midst of my depression unknowingly and once I was diagnosed after some pretty real conversations and situations we went through most of the hardest times together. The thing they say when you are in a depression is that you don't remember what "happy" is and that is the best way to describe it that I can figure. Your mind forgets the chemical composition of happy and what that feels like and next thing you know you cant even hardly remember happy memories. So then my question is when you focus only on unhappy moments and bad memories how do you even begin to know how to appreciate the good things in your life and how do you even explain any of this to someone you are hurting who is hurting you in return because neither of you know how to deal with the situation you are currently in. Confusing isn't it?

Now I know this post is getting long but there is so much in my heart on this topic so let me write one more paragraph to try to tie this all up. Had I known what I know now I would have tried harder to be happy, would have tried harder to hold onto what I'd found, but in those moments when all I could see were the bad memories. I thought if I sought out the greener grass I'd find someone else to make me happy when I know now that being happy is something I alone have control over. The journey to find love and acceptance is one that, yes, is very hard and sometimes disheartening and painful but the lessons learned are irreplaceable. Having what you've been searching for, right there in your hand, and seeing all of your plans and dreams fall to pieces, not knowing where to begin to put them back together is harder by far. God does not give us anything we cannot handle it is all in His plan for us. One thing I know and am eternally grateful for is having glimpsed what true love is and can be and can therefore remain hopeful and elated at the thought that something even better may be coming my way! Had to end on a positive note :D

God bless you for reading through that,

Amber

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad.

"So be careful how you live. Don’t live like ignorant people, but like wise people.Make good use of every opportunity you have, because these are evil days."

-Ephesians 5:15-16 

How often are we presented with opportunities to better our lives and the lives around us? "Pay it forward" has been a term, lately, used often here in the Houston area and I couldn't be happier to hear it! How often do we step out of the bubble we all live in that deals directly with how we ourselves are affected by situations and our own actions and view something from the point of view of someone else? It seems to be that the the skill of empathy is far too often missing on our resumes as we all live and thrive in self interest. Does God not command us to seek out ways to expand our thoughts and actions to include all of our brothers and sisters and how others may be affected by those actions?

I had a moment this morning lying in my bed thinking of all the ways and opportunities I've had to impact someones life and if I've always done so to the best of my ability... It's not an easy, being strait forward and honest, especially with ourselves it seems. All in all I don't feel like I've done such a hack job thus far in my life, but as always, there is definitely room for improvement! In any case I can look in the mirror knowing that I strive daily to make the right decisions to glorify my Father in Heaven. I know that I have such a long way to go and I pray with God walking the path with me I will continue to grow and learn and conform to His will alone.

A very close friend of mine was rocked by the death of a close friend just the other day so please send your prayers out to anyone and everyone suffering by the loss of a loved one. This man was young, in his prime, one second here and the next just gone. That terrifies me! Not because I am afraid to die, because I don't believe I am any more than anyone else who believes in the promise of eternal life, more so because of the thought of someone I care for not knowing how much I love them before they go or worse when I do. How many people are you feuding with right now? How many friendships are on the outs? How many people have you refused to forgive who could possibly never get the chance to receive that resolution? How confident are you that, should you or someone close to you pass, you would have no regrets? Are the silly arguments worth it? Is your pride really that important that you would be willing to live with those regrets? Serious food for thought isn't it?

I want to challenge all of you to really seize every moment... because do we really know how many moments we each have left?

Sorry to be so deep and thought provoking with my post today just had to write what was in my heart!

God Bless,

Amber

So I'm going to go off on a bit of a rant here for a bit and take my frustrations out on the keys of this laptop. First peeve... If you want a girls number then ask for it... DO NOT give her your phone and expect her to put it in, do not give her your number and ask her to text you... doesn't work like that! Women want chivalry, to feel special not like just some pair of legs! Next peeve... YOU are not God's gift to women no matter how many girls you have been with (more gross than impressive when you think about it just saying) or how many girls throw themselves at you so do not expect me or anyone else with self esteem and self worth to come running when you say go. On that same track just because you take a girl out to dinner does not mean she owes you anything... I mean seriously I'm about to start paying my own way just to avoid the accusation that I use people for free meals. If I wasn't interested in getting to know you on a date I'd be out with someone else and if I decide, after that date, I am no longer interested it has nothing to do with a full belly as much as the lack of a spark. At that point I'm doing you a favor by not continuing the "relationship" because then I WOULD be using you for food... right? Peeve number three... Be REAL! Don't open the door for me unless you are going to open EVERY door for me. Don't act like you are this great gentleman unless you plan to continue on that path. I will figure it out. I will not be impressed. Have some tact people! Ladies lets here those rants and see if we can give these guys a clue... Guys if you have a retaliation hit me with it! Lets put some truth on the table!


Warm Regards and Blessings,

-Amber

"And quit being fashioned after this system of things, but be transformed by making YOUR mind over, that YOU may prove to yourselves the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. "

– Romans 12:2

"YOU should put away the old personality which conforms to YOUR former course of conduct and which is being corrupted according to his deceptive desires; but that YOU should be made new in the force actuating YOUR mind, and should put on the new personality which was created according to God’s will in true righteousness and loyalty."

 – Ephesians 4:22-24

YOU, therefore, beloved ones, having this advance knowledge, be on YOUR guard that YOU may not be led away with them by the error of the law-defying people and fall from YOUR own steadfastness. 18 No, but go on growing in the undeserved kindness and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him [be] the glory both now and to the day of eternity. 

– 2 Peter 3:17,18

I had one of those lonely days yesterday where I questioned the friendships and relationships in my life and wondered if its all worthwhile. Sometimes I am surrounded by people who care about me and sometimes I feel so utterly alone and I just don't understand why that is. Why is it that some days my phone wont stop buzzing at me and other times I look through my contacts wondering who I can call because I just need to talk. I had this epiphany yesterday though, in the midst of everything, that God wanted me to talk to Him. God knew how stressed I was, how lonely I felt, and how much I needed a friend and really, honestly, who better? I got to take a good look in the Bible and found the above verses and they just spoke to me.

God was able to draw me to him through my faith, my belief in him and the advice that was provided by Him through His words and stories just spoke right to my soul. We so often seek advice from others, friends and relatives, maybe significant others because we feel like they have been there or would know better when in reality is their advice always the most sound? I can tell you who's is, God! Pretty good epiphany I'd say... I mean literally as soon as I opened my Bible that lonely angst dispersed and I became so consumed in the words of scripture and in my own thoughts and prayers before I knew it hours had passed and I felt like I'd just had the most rewarding conversation! I also took a good look in the mirror... was I the best friend that I could be to my friends?... well I honestly do try to be... always have... but we can always improve and I plan to do just that. Another hard question: Would  I date me? Its a hard question to look in the mirror and answer honestly in full self awareness but again I am going to be working on that as well.

That is all I have today. I noticed I am getting some traffic on here surprisingly and I want to let all of you know that I am open to comments, advice, scripture readings, any thoughts and prayers you might have so please comment and tell me if you like anything I have to say or ... well even if you don't!

Blessings,

Amber

The Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child when I am old?’ Is anything impossible for the Lord?” – Genesis 18:13,14

So I am signed up to receive these daily bible verses through email and I literally "LOLed" when I read this one today. Not for the reasons you'd think but mainly due to a conversation I've had recently on the plans I'd made falling through or not coming to fruition in the way's in which I'd like. Like most little girls I had always planned on meeting my sweetheart when I was in high school or in the early years of college, getting married and starting a family around... oh probably 24 or 25. I wanted to be a young parent but for some time now I've been feeling that clock ticking and day by day my grip on that ideal dream seems to be slipping. Many of you reading this have read the prologue to my blog and know that yes yes I am ONLY 21 but the way I see it is I'm 21 now, single, no prospects of marriage in the near future, and to have kids by 24... well that means I have 3 years to meet someone get married and then preggers... hmmm... see now! So I was having this conversation with someone just the other day and they came back at me with that old saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans", so now you can see why the reaction to the above quote from my inbox this morning was a rather silly giggle fit. God is so present in everything and I'm seeing it more and more every day as I open myself up to it, every little thing is a message just takes that 20/20 hindsight vision to be able to see it clearly I suppose.

Another challenge I'm having is with the fable "quit looking and you'll end up married". Took me what seems like ages to figure out what they were talking about because, to me, its practically impossible to stop looking... I see potential or lack there of in everyone I meet! What I failed to realize was in "looking" I was giving off the vibe that I was not happy with being alone or I was ignoring the need to build that friendship before jumping into having deeper "feelings" for that person of interest, which we all know, scares people off, man or woman. I need to be content with myself, as we all do, and build relationships minus the romance and physical and just leave the attraction and feelings and such to the big man upstairs. I'm just realizing I may be having trouble putting my thoughts on this subject into words in a way that will convey my feelings accurately but I guess what I mean in a nut shell is that I need to be focused on being happy in my life, with myself and where I am at and am going. I need to focus on building quality friendships, broadening my mind and world, meet as many new people as I can and learn as much as I can from them and eventually someone will appear in my life that will just fit... hopefully! haha. I'm learning that to know what you want in another person you first have to know who you are and what really makes you happy, so happy that you shine from the inside out. Then and only then will you be able and ready to share your life. In my modest opinion.

Ugh enough rambling for today! Thanks for reading!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Just read this verse again and found so much new meaning in it... It reads true in family relationships and friendships and just for anyone and everyone in general... all anyone really wants is to be loved for who they are underneath it all... we are all just insecure and scared of rejection and the pain that comes with it but if we all just put away the judgement and really saw the person behind the walls what is not to love because are we not all perfect creations created by a perfect God and washed clean of our sins and shortcomings by the Son of that God? If we are forgiven all things by HIM what makes us so self righteous to put our judgement on someone else and keep our love from them and make them feel unworthy of us? I am as guilty as anyone probably more so sometime but I'm going to get better every day!

Another thought: I feel like real men don't exist anymore and that, in my opinion, is why women are they way they are; broken, self conscious, full of angst and bitter jealousy, its a crazy sad world sometimes... Sex has become sport and not a special bonding event between people who love eachother. We use it for the wrong reasons, to get what we want, to force relationships to work that were never meant to be... looking back how many times has the love making in our pasts actually been the trully selfless act of "making love". It seems the more we progress, seek out "the truth" and in fufilling our own personal wants, the more we lack in communication, real relationships, and above all respect and acceptance for other people... its all just jealousy, secrets, "bigger and better" and coveting what others have over you... hard work, honesty, trust, compassion, the will to fight, argue, disagree, and love each other regardless has lost its appeal because people are always looking for that greener grass... I'm tired... just exhausted from it all... not sure how people live like that you know... everyone just wants to be loved for who they are... just be loved to be loved and accepted without judgement... that's really all anyone wants but were all so insecure beneath the facades we put up... the walls we build are because we hurt people and they hurt us in return and it is all just so unnecessary... we are all desperate for that acceptance that we try to force it... that's why I'm not gonna settle... not to be mean or shallow but to give God a chance to bring me my "Mr. Right"... if I'm with the wrong guy I'm never gonna find him or give him the chance to find me...